


of cats and dogs

by Alckalin, orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, M/M, Sass, sass and crackand a game of gay chicken, that's it that's all there is to this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-28
Updated: 2013-04-28
Packaged: 2017-12-09 19:31:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/777190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alckalin/pseuds/Alckalin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nori and Fili started sleeping together after a game of gay chicken gone very right.<br/>It's when they start thinking of courting each other that the problem begin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	of cats and dogs

**Author's Note:**

> pfffrt I don't even know. Alckalin is really to blame for that one and 90% of the ideas come fromher so I'm putting her as co-author really...XD

The first time had been an accident. The sort that involved a great party, a lot of alcohol, and a very old dwarf game. It had a name in Westron. That name was _gay chicken_.

And both Nori and Fili had always prided themselves of being very good at it. And they were, really. Most players stopped _long_ before they ended in bed together.

“It appears I'm naked in your room, lad,”Nori had said at one point, gazing at the equally naked prince.

“I've noticed. And I'm still not backing off. Want another glass?”

“You've got alcohol in your room?”

“I spend my days with Balin, Thorin and my mother. Of course I've got alcohol in my room.”

They had shared a drink.

They had shared many other things too.

Come morning, they hadn’t remembered much, but what they did recall was nice, if a little hazy. The hungover was a downside to their little game, though.

“Next time we don't drink as much,” Nori had grumbled as he got dressed again.

“Yeah, that'd be best,” Fili had readily agreed.

It was only several hours later, once properly fed and clean and having drunk a great quantity of water, that they both wondered what Nori had meant by _next time_.

 

There was a next time.

They didn't drink as much beforehand.

They agreed there should be more next times coming.

 

Of course, Dori soon learnt of it. For all that everyone joked that nothing escaped Nori's attention, his older brother was also frighteningly good at knowing things that people would rather have hidden from him.

Fili half expected Dori to warn him against Nori, and to tell him that his brother was a terrible influence, and that the prince should not dally with him.

He didn't.

“If you hurt my brother in any way, young prince, you will regret it greatly,” Dori told him with his most polite smile. “I am sure you have heard stories about me. They are true. All of them. So be very, very careful with Nori, if you want to keep your arms attached to your body. Do we understand each other, my prince?”

Fili had quickly nodded.

“Excellent,” Dori claimed with a bright smile. “Oh, and please, do remind my brother that he promised Ori he would have dinner with us tomorrow, he cannot continue missing these.”

 

Nori had laughed at the prince when Fili had told him of that terrifying encounter.

“Poor little prince, scared of the big bad owner of a tea-shop.”

“I've seen your brother lift a dead warg and threw it at a bunch of orcs during the battle of the five armies. I'd have to be stupid to not be scared of him.”

“Which is exactly why I'm surprised you're scared of him. Didn't think you'd be clever enough for it.”

“That's because you've got a superiority complex and you think everyone is stupid.”

“And isn't that true?”

“Oh, shut up Nori.”

 

Nori laughed a good deal less when Kili managed to find him in one of his hideouts, dagger in hand.

“Can I help you, my prince?”

“It's about Fili,” the younger dwarf explained, innocently playing with his blade, the way Nori sometimes did when he had to talk to people he couldn't openly threaten.

“What about Fili?”

“He's my brother.”

“And it only took you eighty years to realize it. Congratulations.”

“I _mean_ that it's my job to protect him, and if you're just using him and end up hurting him, I'll make sure you really regret it, one way or another, is that clear?”

“That's putting a lot of meaning in the sentence 'he's my brother', isn't it?”

Kili glared at him.

“You're just as bad as Fili,” he grumbled. “You two are fucking annoying, and you deserve each other, you really do. But if you hurt him, I'll still hurt _you_ , okay?”

“Deal.”

 

“I wonder what we could do to reassure them,” Nori sighed after repeating this little encounter to Fili.

“I think if I marry you, Dori might stop looking at me like I'm corrupting you.”

“Ah-ah.”

“No, really, haven't you noticed how he glares at me? He worries for your virtue. Probably things I'll get you pregnant before you are properly wed, thus bringing shame on your entire family.”

“Why would I be the one getting pregnant? You're the one with a girl's face.”

“Yeah, but I've got a bigger dick.”

“You _are_ a bigger dick, that's not the same thing.”

“Yeah, but that's why you love me, Nori.”

“Guess it is, yeah, but we both know you love me more.”

There was a moment of silence as they both realized what they had just said.

“I've got to go,” Fili quickly said. “I've got things to do.”

“Yeah, same,” Nori replied, already halfway to the door. “Things to do.”

 

Less than a week later, Fili went to Dori's tea shop around closing time. The older dwarf threw him a dark look, as was to be expected.

“Let me guess. Problems with Nori?”

“You... could say that, yes.”

“Well, my prince, if you're surprised that he's gone again...”

“No, I'm not surprised, he's on a mission for my uncle. I think. Maybe. No, it's... I have a question to ask you. About Nori.”

“And what exactly _is_ that question, my prince?”

Fili hesitated, fidgeting, and mumbled something.

“I didn't quite catch that,” Dori told him.

“I said, I want to court Nori, but I don't really know how to go about it.”

“Why would you ever want to do _that_?”

“Usually, people court other people because they are in love. Well, or for political reasons, but let's be honest, going for Nori wouldn't be a very wise political move, so clearly I'm in this for sentimental reasons.”

“But why would you fall in love with Nori, of all people? Wait, no, don't answer that. I don't think I actually want to know.”

Fili, nervous as he was, couldn't refrain a grin. He had many reasons to love Nori. And Dori was right: he probably didn't want to know them.

Still, the older dwarf appeared to ponder the problem.

“The key to dealing with Nori,” he eventually explained, “is to keep in mind that he is like a _cat_.”

“What?”

“He'll always go away. That's what he does, and you can't stop him from doing it unless you lock him somewhere and constantly keep an eye on the door, but he'd resent you and be miserable. So you've got to let him be free to go, and to give him a reason to come back.”

“You want me to leave food for him in front of my door?”

“Morally speaking, yes. And actually, good food won't hurt you. I'm not a great cook, that's not secret, and I've noticed that Nori came back home far more frequently once _Ori_ starting cooking too.”

“Ok. Letting him go, giving him good food... anything else? Should I scratch him behind the ears maybe?”

“How funny. I don't care which of my brother's body parts you'll be stroking, thank you. Oh, but one important thing. Nori really is like a cat in one thing: when he goes away, he'll bring back _things_ , and you have to pretend you love them. He'll really think that he's pleasing you, just like a cat with dead mice.”

“You're joking!”

“Look at me, my prince, look at me very carefully. Do I look like the sort of dwarf who would put _these_ in my shop if I had any choice?”

'These' referred to a set of hideous masks that, by the look of them, came from Gondor., and which hung on one of the walls. Fili had often wondered about them. Dori had his defects, but bad taste had never been one of them, and the mask just didn't make sense.

“Nori gave you these? But they're... he's...”

“He'll give you worse things, be sure of it. So smile, say you love it, and learn to live with people judging _you_ for your horrible taste.”

Fili nodded.

“But that's all for when we're actually, properly together,” he remarked after a moment. “I came to ask you how to _court_ him!”

“Hm? Oh, I'll just help you move all his things in your room, even he should get the message that way.”

 

Nori came back from his mission for Thorin after three months.

It had been a simple infiltration job, to try and see if a conspiracy in the Iron Hills might be of danger to either Dain or Thorin. As it had turned out, the secret cult who worried them so much was actually trying to find a way to turn lead into gold through magic spells and something they called alchemy.

No danger at all to fear from these idiots.

It would have been a complete waste of time if it hadn't given him some time to think about other problems, one of which was prince Fili.

Well, problem was maybe a strong word. He rather liked the young prince. More than liked, in fact. Which was part of the problem. Nori had shagged a fair number of people in his life, but he'd never really considered settling down with just one of them. Not until recently. Courting was such an annoying process, with many exchanges of gifts and promises and meeting the family, he'd never seen the point of going through all that.

He disliked the idea a good deal less if it meant a permanent place in Fili's bed.

And anyway, there was an entire part of a formal courtship that they wouldn't bother with: they already knew each other's family very well. That was always such a stressful mess, according to people who had properly courted their lover.

That only left the promises (Nori hoped he could get away with something along the line of “I won't fuck anyone in Erebor and I'll try to not fuck too many people when I'm away from Erebor either”) and the gifts.

Gifts were always a bit of a problem for him. He was, apparently, the sort of person who always managed to give others the exact thing they did not want. It didn't matter with Dori, who deserved shitty gifts. And with Ori, he had soon learned that a book was a good idea (though ever since the whole 'erotic literature' incident, Nori usually preferred to give his brother ink and paper. It felt a lot safer). But giving Fili something he didn't want as a courting gift wouldn't have been a very good start.

Which was why the first thing Nori did upon returning to Erebor was to drag Kili in a dark alley to ask him what his brother liked.

“He likes me when I'm alive,” the young prince quickly said. “So _please_ , remove that knife from where it is.”

“I'm serious. Tell me what sort of things he likes. I want to court him.”

“Well, first rule if you are to become my brother-in-law: don't put anything sharp near bits that I still have the use of, thank you. You're not _interrogating_ me, I've done nothing wrong...”

Nori sniggered at that.

“ _Fine_. I've done nothing wrong _that is of consequence to you_ , so can you pretend for one second that you're not a creepy weirdo with too many knives, and talk to me like a normal person?”

Nori put away the blade, and the young prince instantly relaxed.

“Thank you. Big improvement. So. You want to court my brother. Well, after what just happened, how could I not be thrilled at the idea?”

“Do you want the knife to come _back_?”

“I'll be so happy to have you in the family! Ok, then. You're wanting to court my brother, which isn't creepy or worrying at all. Fine. Great. Well. The thing about Fili. The thing is. He's a bit like a _dog_.”

“Are you calling your brother a bitch?”

“What? _No_! And for Mahal's sake, I don't want to know if _you_ call him that, so please, don't tell me! No, I meant that he's like a big, fluffy puppy: he loves it when people pay him attention, he likes it when people show him they love him, things like that. He's very affectionate.”

“I've noticed.”

“And I don't want to _know_. Another thing: I know you go away often, and that's okay because you've got to and everything. But you must understand that, just like a puppy, he'll be very sad when you're gone, no matter how happy he is to see you come back, so keep that in mind, okay?”

Nori nodded. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, one thing. Look, the puppy thing, it's serious. He gets _enthusiastic_ if he thinks he can help you, even if all he'll do is bother you and make too much noise, but you've got to let him help anyway, or you'll break his heart. Even Thorin lets him help when he gets like that. You _can_ set a few rules about things he isn't to get involved with, but that's it really.”

Nori nodded again, making a note to tell the prince that everything concerning his work was his problem and _his_ only.

“You didn't answer my question though,” Nori complained. “I asked you about a courting gift, not about how to handle your brother.”

“Oh, right. Just, give him one of your knives or something? He's as much of a blade fetishist as you are, and if it's sort of personal like that, it'll make him all happy and shit.”

 

Nori's next stop was Fili's rooms. The prince seemed delighted to have him back.

“Got a present for you,” Nori announced, throwing to Fili the old shirt in which he'd wrapped his favourite dagger.

“Wonder what it is. I'm sure it'll be grea... Is this that knife you said you'd stolen from a human prince from Rohan?”

“Yes. Are those my clothes? Why are _my_ clothes in _your_ room?”

“What? Oh, you live here now. Hope you don't mind. Nori, why did you give me your best knife?”

“Well, Fili, when two dwarves like each other very much, they exchange gifts to show their affection. Which usually happens before they move in together, might I add.”

“And marriage comes before sex, so we've messed with tradition quite a bit already. A courting gift. Ah! I knew you couldn't resist me. Not that I blame you. Who wouldn't want me?”

“I'm not the one who stole your things and made you move without your consent.”

“In my defence, I had Dori's consent.”

“Dori just wants to get rid of me.”

“And I was willing to take you in. Everybody wins, right?”

“Shut up and come kiss me, you idiot.”


End file.
